Child-Led Approaches at Home & the Checklist for Parents
Welcome back to the Koi Wellness blog, your trusted resource for child development and empowerment. I'm Aya Porté, your occupational therapist (OT) who is passionate about nurturing children's potential and supporting cross-cultural families.
In my last article, I discussed my decade-long experience as an occupational therapist, and the transformative power of a child-led approach. We learned how child-led approaches empower children to take charge of their therapy sessions in meaningful ways–as opposed to giving children free rein.
Today, we’ll cover how you can harness the power of a child-led approach outside of therapy sessions—so we can foster independence, confidence, and intrinsic motivation in our children both in and out of therapy.
Beyond the ‘No:’ The Importance of Understanding Your Child
A child should have intrinsic motivation to do anything. I believe it’s the responsibility of the adult to meet the child where they are at, and not have the child meet the high expectations of the adult. There is a better way to tap into a child’s internal motivation, and it involves getting curious and digging deeper.
Understanding why a child may say no to something helps you tackle the situation differently.
5 Reasons Why a Child May Say “No” to a Request
Autonomy and Independence: Children may assert their independence by refusing instructions as a way to assert control over their own choices and actions
Testing Boundaries: Saying "no" allows children to test boundaries and assert their own preferences, especially during periods of development where autonomy is emphasized
Communication of Needs: Sometimes, saying "no" is a child's way of communicating discomfort, frustration, or a lack of understanding about the task or instruction
Emotional Regulation: Children may say "no" as a response to overwhelming emotions or stress, signaling a need for support in managing their feelings before engaging in the requested task
Attention-Seeking Behavior: Saying "no" may be a way for children to seek attention or provoke a reaction from their parents, especially if they perceive that negative attention is better than no attention at all
Realistically, you may never fully understand why a child may say “no” to something—and during high-stakes situations (you need to get out the door ASAP or you will miss your train), you won’t have the time to “figure it out.” But what all these examples have in common is this: “Kids do well if they can,” a relevant mantra of Dr. Ross Greene.
What to Do When a Child Says No
While certain refusals are crucial for a child's well-being, granting autonomy in inconsequential matters can instill a sense of independence that serves them well in the long run.
Back to my example of what to do when a child says “no” to handwriting. The power struggle is not worth it. But also, I am confident if a kid could write well, they would do it.
So instead, I always look to see what the child can or is willing to do, use the child’s interests to incorporate elements that contribute to supporting handwriting skills. Every activity can be modified to make easier or harder.
Doesn’t like what the worksheet looks like? I can make the worksheet easier by reducing the visual input by covering up part of the worksheet, cutting the worksheet in half, and sometimes we work on just writing our name and date on the worksheet.
In other instances we may just read out the instructions of the worksheet together, they dictate their answers and I write for them, or play a handwriting game (guess the word, draw a picture, etc.)
Empowering With a Child-Led Approach
Once, I encountered a child who strongly opposed writing due to struggles with fine motor skills and handwriting. Choosing to avoid the power struggle, I prioritized building rapport. By expressing my willingness to address handwriting in the future while easing the pressure for immediate compliance, the child was surprised but engaged.
During our rapport-building exchange, they asked about my school experiences and whether I had ever gotten into trouble when I was their age. I was honest and told them the time of my most embarrassing moment when I got in trouble in the fourth grade. This honesty fostered an authentic connection.
In about 10 minutes, the child’s attitude shifted, leading them to initiate inquiring what I had planned for that session. To make a long story short, I had a worksheet that involved cutting, gluing and writing, and a shoelace activity. The child chose to learn how to tie their shoelace and at the end of the session, they were able to tie their shoelaces by themselves for the first time. The best part was they were so proud of themselves, they were eager to show their parents at the end of the session.
My 5-Point Checklist for Parents
By allowing children to take the lead in decision-making and activities, it fosters a sense of autonomy and empowerment, promoting confidence and self-esteem. It also encourages intrinsic motivation and engagement, as children are more likely to be invested in tasks or activities they have chosen themselves.
Here is the download for the five strategies parents can employ to utilize child-led approaches–Offer Choices, Follow Their Lead, Encourage Exploration, Listen and Validate, & Collaborate and Problem-Solve.
Conclusion
In truth, there are many situations where saying "no" to your child is unavoidable. Ice cream or cake for dinner is neither healthy nor practical. Permitting your child to dart into traffic presents a grave safety hazard. While certain refusals are crucial for your child’s wellbeing, granting autonomy in inconsequential matters, surrounding bedtime, bath time or morning routines, can instill a sense of independence they might otherwise miss out on.
If you want to learn more about how I can support you and your child, you can schedule a call here and connect with me on LinkedIn, Instagram, and Facebook. Together, let's empower our children to become confident, resilient, and capable individuals.
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