Navigating Challenges with Your Child: Lessons from the Kitchen ⏲️
Welcome to the Koi Wellness blog, your trusted resource for child development and empowerment. I'm Aya Porté, your occupational therapist (OT) with a passion for nurturing children's potential and supporting their families. Join me on this journey as we unlock the unique strengths within your child and foster their growth.
Today we’re going to discuss the time I imprisoned a child and parent in their kitchen…Okay, so that’s not what actually happened, but it did feel as bad as it sounds. Let me take you back several years ago.
Navigating Challenges With Occupational Therapy
In early 2020, I collaborated with a family aiming to enhance their child's self-help and independence at home. This child was brilliant and creative, but he was tethered by the invisible strings of his neurodivergence and a fresh ADHD diagnosis.
The simple acts of brushing teeth, tidying his room, sleeping in his own room, and sitting down to a meal were monumental tasks. The child's dependency on their parent for reminders on every task, were compounded with their hurdles in emotional regulation and executive functioning. It made every task a struggle, leaving everyone exhausted.
Empowering Independence: Transforming Dependency into Self-Sufficiency
My role as the occupational therapist (OT), was to help this child reclaim these day-to-day tasks as their own, transforming them from tasks of dependency into acts of independence. There were 2 parts to this: Empower the child with self-help skills and pivot the parental role from constant supervisor to emotional co-regulator. This shift was not merely a change in routine but a fundamental transformation in their family dynamic, steering them away from the exhaustive cycle they found themselves trapped in.
Our goal was clear: to step off the relentless hamster wheel and march towards tangible, lasting change.
Navigating Challenges: A Lesson in Collaboration
During a session using Dr. Ross Greene’s Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS) model, we were nearing completion of a "Plan B" exercise but we were pressed for time. We needed to devise a trial plan for the child and family to implement before the next session. Despite the child's reluctance to continue, it was crucial for both the child and parent to contribute to the action plan, as this engagement enhances the likelihood of follow-through and allows for adjustment based on what proves effective or ineffective.
This approach shifts away from the traditional model of unilateral decisions made for the child. It, in turn, fosters a sense of teamwork between parent and child. However, as we attempted to finalize our plan, the process took longer than expected.
While I saw signs of the child's growing agitation, such as pacing, pressured speech, and physical signs of stress, I overlooked them to push us to complete the task. Despite my best intentions, the session ran 5 minutes over and concluded with a hastily formed plan, leaving the child in a poor mood. Afterward, I debriefed with the father, who provided constructive feedback for future sessions.
Lessons Learned: Repairing Trust
Situations like this, known as ruptures in the therapy process, are common and normal. However, I underestimated the significance of this particular rupture and its impact on our relationship moving forward.
In our next session, when I inquired about his well-being, he bluntly told me, "Considering you last held me and my dad prisoner in our kitchen, I'm not doing well." His words were a sharp jolt, admittedly stinging. I attempted to clarify, stating that wasn't the case, but I missed the mark.
Acknowledging Impact: Intent versus Impact
Intent doesn't erase impact. Even though I didn't literally take the child and his parent prisoner, it felt that way to him. And even the child’s father agreed that the session didn’t go well based on how it ended. Acknowledging all feelings is crucial when working with children.
What matters isn't whether a task is objectively easy or hard, but rather the child's experience and feelings towards it, which hold the greatest significance.
Reflecting on Growth: Moving Forward with Understanding
Reflecting on that situation, I wish I had chosen a different path. I would have sincerely apologized to the child, saying, "I've been thinking a lot about our last session, and I'm truly sorry. I believed I was doing what was best, but upon reflection, I see it wasn't the best for you. I hope you can accept my apology."
Leaving that session, I felt far from my best, deeply regretting how things ended. When he compared the experience to being taken prisoner, I defaulted to clarifying the facts. This is a decision I now recognize missed the mark in addressing the emotional impact of that moment.
Understanding Your Child's Perspective: Shifting Perspectives
Ever find yourself in a situation with your child where you ask them to do something? Whether it's to put away their clothes, take a shower or brush their teeth? Instead of them doing the task that would take 5-10 minutes, in some cases 90 seconds, they spend 30 minutes arguing or contesting the request, defending their right to not complete said task.
You think to yourself, if you would have just done it…it would be…done with? It makes sense to the rational, mature adult brain, but that rationality does not help the child to get the task done. Rational thinking also doesn’t get them to do it independently.
So the next time you find yourself in a power struggle with your child, ask yourself, “What is it about this task/demand that is so hard for my child?” (Note: it's not laziness). What you may perceive as challenging or unexpected behavior in a response of “I don’t want to,” goes beyond typical defiance. It’s a form of non-verbal communication, and they are trying to express that they are having a hard time, but unable to string the words together to say so directly.
Reflections for the Future
Shifting your thinking can help guide you towards proactive solutions, such as; can the task be simplified, what alternative is still acceptable for me, and what part of this 3-step task CAN they do?
You're never alone on this journey, and I'm here to support you every step of the way. If you would like to learn more about how I can support you and your child, you can schedule a call here and connect with me on LinkedIn, Instagram, and Facebook. Let's continue to positively impact the lives of our children and families together.